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Index > Heap > Take off your serious cap for a moment ...

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Walter



Joined: 26 Jan 2013
Posts: 143
Walter
Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"

So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"

Post 24 Jan 2014, 04:55
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HaHaAnonymous



Joined: 02 Dec 2012
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HaHaAnonymous
[ Post removed by author. ]


Last edited by HaHaAnonymous on 28 Feb 2015, 18:25; edited 1 time in total
Post 24 Jan 2014, 14:34
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
Hahahaha... The first "BITCH"
Post 24 Jan 2014, 15:36
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HaHaAnonymous



Joined: 02 Dec 2012
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HaHaAnonymous
[ Post removed by author. ]


Last edited by HaHaAnonymous on 28 Feb 2015, 18:25; edited 1 time in total
Post 24 Jan 2014, 17:39
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
HaHaAnonymous wrote:
Quote:

The first "BITCH"

And what your mother has to do with this?


Your grammar is more smarter than you are perhaps you should ask it.
Post 24 Jan 2014, 18:11
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HaHaAnonymous



Joined: 02 Dec 2012
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HaHaAnonymous
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Last edited by HaHaAnonymous on 28 Feb 2015, 18:25; edited 1 time in total
Post 24 Jan 2014, 20:25
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Walter



Joined: 26 Jan 2013
Posts: 143
Walter
How Fights Start

***

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

***

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend..."

And then the fight started....

***

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day...

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

***

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe
it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

***

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

***

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

***

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'

And then the fight started...

***

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

***

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.'

And then the fight started....

***

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

***

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the
driveway.'

And then the fight started...

****

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

***

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

***

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

***

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

***
Post 24 Jan 2014, 21:27
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HaHaAnonymous



Joined: 02 Dec 2012
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HaHaAnonymous
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Last edited by HaHaAnonymous on 28 Feb 2015, 18:25; edited 1 time in total
Post 24 Jan 2014, 21:35
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
HaHaAnonymous wrote:
You have a wife. You should love her.

There are people who don't have any wife, did you know? If not, I'm one of them.

Happy New Year and stop fighting!


These are jokes you turd.
Post 24 Jan 2014, 22:09
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
HaHaAnonymous wrote:
Sorry, I was just trying to be funny.


First polish your grammar then we can understand what you are trying to say.

It's like programming. You have the idea but you must know the language in which you are going to implement your idea.
Post 24 Jan 2014, 22:13
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HaHaAnonymous



Joined: 02 Dec 2012
Posts: 1180
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HaHaAnonymous
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Last edited by HaHaAnonymous on 28 Feb 2015, 18:25; edited 1 time in total
Post 24 Jan 2014, 23:34
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
HaHaAnonymous wrote:
Quote:

These are jokes you turd.

Please, no offenses. Or I will report to revolution.

Image
Post 25 Jan 2014, 01:26
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matefkr



Joined: 02 Sep 2007
Posts: 1291
Location: Ukraine, Beregovo
matefkr
eh, this is inappropritate but actually bitch is a very nice person, but many bitches i think are too pricy or too much taxed by other entities.
Post 25 Jan 2014, 02:35
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typedef



Joined: 25 Jul 2010
Posts: 2913
Location: 0x77760000
typedef
LOl @matefkr Yeah. You would know about b**ches.
Post 25 Jan 2014, 03:59
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MHajduk



Joined: 30 Mar 2006
Posts: 6034
Location: Poland
MHajduk
Razz

Image

Image
Post 25 Jan 2014, 16:14
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MHajduk



Joined: 30 Mar 2006
Posts: 6034
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MHajduk
Wink

Image
Post 29 Jan 2014, 17:22
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MHajduk



Joined: 30 Mar 2006
Posts: 6034
Location: Poland
MHajduk
Razz

Image
Post 29 Jan 2014, 18:00
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AsmGuru62



Joined: 28 Jan 2004
Posts: 1409
Location: Toronto, Canada
AsmGuru62
The guy from "Ancient Aliens"! Nice.
Post 29 Jan 2014, 20:38
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shoorick



Joined: 25 Feb 2005
Posts: 1605
Location: Ukraine
shoorick
he-he, it is cool around "match" Very Happy
Post 31 Jan 2014, 11:42
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sid123



Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Posts: 340
Location: Asia, Singapore
sid123
:O
Image

_________________
"Those who can make you believe in absurdities can make you commit atrocities" -- Voltaire https://github.com/Benderx2/R3X
XD
Post 01 Feb 2014, 03:38
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